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Prolonged Eye Contact

Marie Anelle’s Abortion Experience, Dispelling Myths and Misconceptions Left and Right

[Starting on November 28, 2011 Marie Anelle began blogging about her experience deciding to have a medical abortion, as well as the process of the procedure itself. She has multiple posts so far because this is a multi-day process, but I’m going to put them all in one post. If there are more after this, I’ll edit this post. Only one of her posts so far has a TW and that’s because of pictures of actual abortions/miscarriages as well as an image of Gerri Santoro who died from an illegal abortion. All of that will be under the cut, and I’ll put an additional TW right before that post (#5). This is a frank discussion of abortion by a woman who has no qualms or regrets regarding her decision. I think what she is doing is incredibly important because even many prochoice people have misconceptions about what actually occurs during an early abortion. Just a couple of notes: abortion affects people who are not women but can still get pregnant. I don’t want to censor Marie’s personal experience, but keep in mind when she makes general statements about women/abortion instead of her own experience, those statements should include all pregnant people. Also, her doctor says she’s at 6 weeks gestation. I’m not sure why Marie is calling this a fetus, but it’s actually an embryo.]

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#1 The Land of “Oh Fucking Shit”: When the Choice is Yours

I know we talk a lot about reproductive rights in the feminist movement.  I know that it’s one of the cornerstones of freedom for women.  We all know the stats and we arm ourselves with as much information as we can about abortion because we know what anti-choicers are liars.  We feel confident in this regard.  We are confident that someday there will be no stigma with choice and we are confident that we will be able to talk openly without shame.

In fact, I am so confident that I am willing to put it out there.  I am 5 and a half weeks pregnant and on Thursday, I find out if I am a candidate for  a medical abortion. 

There’s a few things you might not know about Canada.  One of them being that RU-486 is not available.  Medical abortions, as opposed to surgical, are done with a combination of methotrexate to stop fetal growth and misoprostol to dilate the cervix and contract the uterus.  These are only available on a limited basis depending on doctor availability and to be done before 7 weeks.  The other option I am facing is a manual vacuum aspiration, since I do not want a D&C.  Lucky for me, these options are covered and I will suffer no out of pocket cost.

Why am I sharing?  Well, simple really.  I am hoping to demystify the process and clear up a few myths.  In fact, here are some that I wish to clear up right now!

1. Women who have abortions are irresponsible sluts who just want to keep partying/living carefree lives.

Well, most women who have abortions already have 1 or more children and were on some type of birth control.  I myself have 2 children and was being ridiculously careful.  As most people who have read my shit know, I do not live a carefree life.

2.  Abortion is avoiding responsibility.

*Snort* This one makes me laugh the most.  If you know for a fact that bringing something into this world is the worst possible thing than can happen to a lot of people, it’s a responsible choice.  Like I said in #1, most women already have children to think about.  Thinking about your bottom line and not putting yourself in crazy debt so that people with an opinion on what you should do can sleep better at night is responsible.  Hell, appealing to the greed here….I’ll be less of a burden on tax payers.  Y’know, your precious tax dollars and how you hate it when poor people get a hand up from them?  Yeah, you’re welcome.

3.  Abortion is this devastating, hard thing that will ruin your life

This is also a gross myth.  Most women report a sense of relief, and sites like I’m Not Sorry and 45 Million Voices do a good job of illustrating that women don’t need to be protected in such a patronizing manner.  Ditto on it being such a hard decision.  For me it’s a no brainer. In one corner we have a fetus, in the other we have my job, my husband, my kids, the roof over our heads, the bills, food, etc.  Yeah, no brainer there.  Besides, a simple google search will tell you that there are many forums and places where women discuss how much they hate being mothers and regret ever giving birth.  Should we ban childbirth because women regret it?  Of course not, but since it’s not actually about life and precious babies people would rather women be punished with kids they don’t want or can’t afford.

4. It can feel it, y’know.

Not according to the latest studies.  By the time it can feel pain, you’re getting into the late term abortion debate, and that’s a whole other animal.  This one is the new “it has fingernails”.

5. Look at these pics of what your abortion looks like, you can see all the parts and stuff!

This one is the one I am most looking forward to busting.  If I am successful at getting a medical abortion, I will have all the fetal tissue pass at home, where I can look at it.  Believe me, I already know those pics are full of shit based on size alone, but when this happens, I will be the first to tell you exactly what an early term abortion looks like. I’m tempted to take a picture too, but that might be just a little too much info.

I am at total peace with my decision, and will be blogging the experience.  I used to think it was a gross TMI to be doing such a thing, but the tables have turned quite a bit.  If I am going to talk the talk about the need to remove abortion stigma, I’m going to need to walk the walk.  It was an easy enough decision and I might as well make it somewhat educational. That’s not to say that I’m not shit scared of certain aspects of making this public.  Not so much the trolls, because they can go fuck themselves and have all the babies they want, but it will be interesting to see how it affects my personal life.

So…..here goes….and I hope you’ll join me for the ride.  In the meantime, please enjoy some light reading.

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#2 Day 1: Assessments, Ultrasounds, and Musings

As I had previously posted, today was my big day.  Today was the day that I got to go in, get assessed, and determine whether or not I am able to get a medical abortion as opposed to the surgical one.

So far, the experience has been awesome and calm.  I gotta hand it to the staff that I am working it.  It’s been comfortable.  I found out though that medical abortion in Canada is actually very hard to get and apparently I lucked out with my timing.  Medical abortions, at least in Manitoba, are done based on the availability of the doctor and very much dependent on your gestational stage.  If you don’t catch it under 7 weeks, you are shit out of luck. Beyond that, I was very surprised to learn that some people in this city are so misinformed that it can cause issues if you don’t know where to go.  There are doctors that believe that you can get RU-486 in Canada.  You can’t.  It’s illegal to import it.  Not only that, but not every hospital is pro-choice….so imagine what happens when some doctor who is not all that bright tells a patient that they can get RU-486 at…oh let’s say St. Boniface Hospital.  That hospital is notorious in how badly it treats women who seek abortions and post abortive women.  My advice if you’re a woman in Winnipeg, has had an abortion, has disclosed that fact, and plan to give birth?  St. Boniface will treat you like shit.  Health Sciences Centre will have a more woman friendly facility open soon and OF COURSE you should really, really, REALLY check out the new birthing centre in the city.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand…. 

So.  In addition to all the testing of the vitals and whatnot, there was an ultrasound involved. Yes, I did ask to see it because I really wanted to get a sense of what some women who are forced to look at them may possibly go through.  My doctor obliged and showed me exactly what a pregnancy at basically 6 weeks gestation looks like.  So here I am, staring at the screen at this almighty fetus picture that is TOTALLY GOING TO CHANGE MY MIND and–uhhhhhh….where the fuck is this thing?!  I had to have it pointed out to me.  All you can really see is the slightly transparent gestational sack and this weird, miniature blob like thing.  Now, I already didn’t get the whole mandatory ultrasound laws, but now?  I am like what the fuck, guys?  What the fuck?!  I’m supposed to be touched by a dot on a screen during a time where I really don’t want to be pregnant?  What do anti-choice lawmakers hope to achieve with this technique exactly?  Oh ho ho, you got me there, anti-choice lawmakers, I am just so emotionally changed by a fucking dot on a fucking screen!

Which brings me to a story of great hilarity.  Some anti-choice troll on Facebook claimed that she saw the heartbeats of her 4 week old gestating twins during her ultrasound.  Now, common sense already dictates that she’s full of shit, but I thought I’d confirm it with a professional OBGYN.  First off, at 5 weeks with a single fetus….you cannot see any damn heartbeat.  So I asked about this little factoid of the 4 week old wonder twins and sure enough, before I even finished, she said “nope”.  Too bad the troll deleted her thread, I would so love to shove that in her face….of course, you can always expect anti-choicers to lie to you about everything just so THEY can have peace of mind knowing some stranger had a baby that said anti-choicers don’t actually give a shit about.  Speaking of which, let’s bust another myth!

Abortion Clinic/Doctors Don’t Inform You Of What To Expect

So I do qualify for the medical abortion.  Tomorrow is day 2, I get a blood test to check the hormone levels, a shot of methotrexate, and I get sent home with misoprostol and Tylenol 3s.  So far, I’ve had a counselling session on Monday, another quasi-session today along with a barrage of tests to make sure that I can do this in a healthy manner, LOTS of literature explaining all of the symptoms, side effects to expect, when the bleeding is good and when it’s not, a list of things I can’t eat while this is happening (folic acid foods), and a basic time line.  Along with that, it was made VERY clear to me that 5-10% of women do not have a successful medical abortion and will have to have a surgical abortion.  It was made extremely clear that while most women are lucky enough to finish aborting within 2 days, sometimes it can take weeks (at any time, you can opt out and ask for the surgical abortion).  I was made aware that I would have to do a few follow ups to monitor my hormone level and an ultrasound to assure full evacuation.  At any time that they couldn’t get a hold of me, I had to provide 3 contacts so that they can find me (because this is serious shit).  I had to read everything, learn the side effects, was made well aware that things can go wrong.  I also had to sign a consent form.

…….sooooo what’s this about not being told everything?

I also want to add that I had to go through the same counselling, literature, consent form signing (so many of them…)etc etc when I had a surgical abortion some years ago.  Putting that out there in case a Trolly McDoucheyface wants to be all like “MEDICAL ABORSHUNS NOT TEH SAME!!”

So yay for medical abortion!  I’m disappointed that the option is not more widely available in Canada, since I know a lot of people that would LOVE to get something less invasive going. Lucky for me I have the best medical team I could ask for.  All pro-choice, all professional.  I would refer anyone.  Tune in tomorrow when I share my methotrexate follies!

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#3 Day 2: Reader Questions, Methotrexate, Injections, and a Big Ol’ Bag O’ Drugs

So two questions were asked in yesterday’s post that I would be more than happy to answer. JetGirl asked how much methotrexate they would be giving me.  Dosage is dependent on the ratio of height vs. body weight, so the dosage varies based on your body.  For me, the total dosage was 4.42 mL, divided by two, delivered via 2 injections.  FourInchHeels asked why on earth would they desperately need 3 contacts.  Well, first and foremost it’s a liability issue. Second, these people really fucking care about whether or not you’re okay.  Think of it this way, they are pumping your body full of drugs that drastically change your chemistry and what’s happening within.  Especially with the misoprostol, there is always the chance that you can bleed out.  If they can’t reach you at home (where you are supposed to be, essentially having your abortion) it can raise an alarm that something went horribly wrong. You could be bleeding like crazy in a hospital bed and they might not know about it if you came into the ER without the proper info.  This is some serious shit, and they want to make sure you’re following up the way you’re supposed to.  It could be the difference between a successful medical abortion and getting an infection because your uterus never evacuated properly.  I hope that answers your questions.

Onto the day at hand! 

Well, getting two injections just above either ass check was THRILLING, let me tell you. There’s something about pulling your pants down and bending over a table that’s just so awesome, I can’t even put it into words!  Beforehand, I was asked one more time if I had any questions or if I had any unresolved feelings to sort out.  Obviously a good idea to ask since once the methotrexate is injected, the fetus will stop growing and that’s that.  Funny, with all the anti-choice propaganda I hear, I half expected not to know that and just to get poked in the behind…and not in the fun-for-some way.  Anyway, possible side effects include dizziness, nausea, loss of appetite, headache, and general discomfort.  So far, I’m doing okay. I also needed a blood test to track the hormone levels in my blood stream.  The hormone they are tracking basically doubles in a 24 hour period, so they needed a fresh test as a marker.  Next test will be done in the 15th, and they will be looking for that number to drop considerably.  Now is when I would like to mention how much I hate needles.

I sat down with the Reproductive Health Nurse and went over the next steps with her.  On Tuesday, I am to take 4 misoprostol tablets, pick them up with a soaked finger, and push them up my vagina as close to my cervix as possible.  One at a time of course.  I was also told that should I not start to cramp and bleed within 24 hours, I am to take the other 4 and repeat the steps.  In no uncertain terms are you to take all 8 at once and think to yourself that it will make you abort like a boss.  You know what it’s going to do?  Send your ass to the hospital because the cramps are owning YOU like a boss.  So 4 tablets every 24 hours.  Along with cramping and bleeding, I can expect to be nauseous.  We’ve opted to think positively and conclude that it will only take me the two days.  During this time, should I feel any pain I cannot handle, I get to take 400 MG of advil up to 3 times a day.  I will need to take them with food, since they will be rough on the stomach and will most likely make me nauseous. If that is not enough, I can upgrade to the T3s….which may make me constipated….and nauseous.  Now, if put together all of these drugs and Sesame Street the shit out of them, you’ll realize that the running theme is nausea.  That being the case, the lovely folks at the clinic have also packed some gravol in this kit.  I am going to feel awesome.  The advantage of living where I live is that none of this was out of pocket.  I get to have an abortion, be comfortable AND not have to worry about how much it will set me back.

So now I wait until Tuesday for the pill insertion.  I’ll probably post sometime over the weekend and let you know how the methotrexate has worked out, along with some probably delirious hunger posting.  After all, that list of foods to avoid is epic.  Also?  Contains all the things I like to eat.  Feh…..

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#4 Days 3, 4, and 5: I’M FUCKING HUNGRY

[caption: The first day.]

So the weekend from a side effect standpoint was super uneventful.  I wish I had something to report to you on what you can expect, but by and large, the methotrexate hasn’t bothered me a whole heck of a lot.  I mean, the place where the injections happened itch like crazy and I want to sleep ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, I could very well fall asleep thinking this will be the most boring post so far in the abortion series.

But that list of foods to avoid?  Fuck that list.  That list is that “friend” who pretends to be sweet and cares about you.  That friend has your best interests at heart.  But deep down inside, you know that friend hates your guts.  You are taking that friend’s advice and they are laughing at you.  THEY’RE ALL GOING TO LAUGH AT YOU.  That is this list.  It didn’t seem so daunting at first and even went grocery shopping for basically rice and ramen to be sure that I would avoid everything on that list.  A lot of food that I love is on that list.  But in the interest of making sure that there is no further growth, I have to avoid folic acid like the plague.  How bad is this list?  Well: 

  • liver
  • peanuts
  • asparagus
  • kidney beans
  • split peas
  • broccoli
  • spinach
  • cream corn
  • lentils
  • green peas
  • orange juice
  • brewer’s yeast
  • brussels sprouts
  • beets
  • pinto beans
  • bean sprouts
  • cauliflower
  • cashews
  • parsnips
  • lima beans
  • tomato juice
  • almonds
  • romaine lettuce
  • hazelnuts
  • grapefruit juice
  • raw avocado
  • oranges
  • potatoes *dies*
  • squash
  • peppers
  • mushrooms
  • tomatoes
  • cereals
  • milk products
  • meat
  • cantaloupe
  • breads
  • cabbage
  • turnips
  • green beans

[caption: How things really came to be….]

Seriously.  So much food I love.  Come to think of it, every single thing I like to eat is on that list.  But I figured what the hell, it’s only til Tuesday.  I can live on the very few things I would find edible at this point and then have myself a nice dinner once I start bleeding (that’s when I’m clear to eat what I want).  It’s not going to be forever and I remember going into it very positively.  Friday night I made myself a nice little mix of fried onions, rice, pepper and soy sauce.  Something pretty filling and tasty to eat.   I got hungry a little while later and ended up finishing off what I did have.  Whatevs, I bought like a kilogram of rice, it’s not a big deal.  Saturday for breakfast?  Rice.  For lunch?  Ramen.  For dinner?  Fucking rice.  For snack since I was fucking hungry?  Ramen.

By midnight I couldn’t take it anymore, but had eaten more rice because where the fuck was my dignity?  Somewhere in the rice I bet.  I was starting to feel some massive despair in my choice of foods and tried to think of other things I could stand eating that wouldn’t make it on that list….came up short.  So ramen breakfast and rice lunch later, I lost my ever loving mind and twisted my husband’s arm until he cried uncle……and ended up at Swiss Chalet. You guys, I had everything bad.  Quarter chicken, mashed potatoes, cheesecake.  There was no stopping me as I borderline sobbed at how happy I was to eat again, damn the consequences.  Of course, guilt crept in by the time I got to work and I really hope that my fine meal that was so good for so little doesn’t cause any problems.
Moral of the story?  Be more creative, have a better palate and don’t be as weak when it comes to food.  Oh, and that nice dinner I was hoping for tomorrow?  I think I’m going to turn it into a devastating combination of cheeseburgers, fries, and ice cream.
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[TW this is the post I mentioned!]

I AM ADDING A RARE TRIGGER WARNING.  THIS POST CONTAINS BLOODY PICTURES.  INCLUDING ONE OF THE AFTERMATH OF AN ILLEGAL ABORTION.  NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART, BUT THEY NEED TO BE SEEN.

Shout out to Lindsay Beyerstein for the lovely post she wrote on Monday.  Thanks for the support!

Anyway.  We got down to the nitty gritty yesterday morning at about 11:30 AM.  That is when I inserted 4 misoprostol pills into my vagina.  Not gonna lie, it was weird.  I can describe the sensation shortly afterwards as dry and leading to paranoia.  I was clenching like crazy because I was scared that the pills would fall out.  The doctor informed me that the pills can take anywhere from 1 hour to 16 hours to start kicking in, but the average woman started to bleed in 6 hours.  I started in 4 and it was actually quite a surprise when I did start.  I am convinced now that doctors ( especially in Canada) are a fan of preparing you for the worst.  I was told there would be cramping and was even given two different levels of pain killers.  That was my biggest anxiety at this point because I’m a baby during the worst days of my period and I was drug happy for both my pregnancies.  Apparently I can handle being smacked around in sports, but the second my uterus groans I’m like fuck it, drug me. Which leads to my favourite time, MYTH TIME! 

IT’S SOOOOOOOO PAINFUL THEY NEVER TELL YOU HOW PAINFUL IT IS!!

But seriously….it was the most mild thing.  I realize that every woman’s body reacts differently, and I have zero doubt that some women double over and have a lot of pain.  For me though?  By the time I discovered the bleeding, all I was having was a dull ache that is similar to what I get about a day before my period usually starts.  At the worst of it?  It didn’t even come close to my worst period.  I was kinda nauseated and very, very tired.  But pain? It was nothing.  D&Cs hurt more than this, cementing the fact that this was the best idea ever.  Also?  Chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, a comfy couch, and cheesy DVR movies. It was a relaxing day.  The kids were even more behaved than usual, which made it a perfect environment to flush out the contents of my uterus.  I had my kids around, with K offering many cuddles and tickle time.  I had my husband, who took great care of me.  It was comforting.  Again, I do not doubt that there are women out there who have a hard time with it.  Medication affects everyone differently.  This fact, though, never seems to be taken into account when anti-choicers are telling women about how it feels to get an abortion.  One woman’s awful physical experience could be another’s walk in the park.  So basically, the truth is…you’re not going to know until it’s happening.  How you physically react to having a medical abortion or a surgical abortion is just dependent on how your body handles it combined with your pain threshold.  Now, onto the real meat of the subject.

Those fucking fetus pictures.

A simple google search will yield you some….well….interesting results in regards to what an early term abortion looks like.  At the time of pill insertion, I was about 6 and a half weeks along.  I googled “aborted fetus at 6 weeks” just to see what I could get.  I found this one that is labelled an abortion at 7 weeks:

[caption: Considering that those “body parts” are bigger than the size of a fetus at 7 weeks itself…..]

Now, before this experience I already was damn skeptical of these pics, since by and large, the “body parts” they are displaying are larger than the gestation they are suggesting. However, having this experience at home and seeing first hand what it really looks like brings a tear to my eye….a tear of laughter.  Now, unfortunately I could not find my camera.  That alone has been the most heartbreaking thing about this experience.  I wanted to get pictures done and circulated everywhere to help bust the myth that early term abortions really look like anything worth getting attached to.  Sure enough, my suspicions were right.  So what does an early term abortion look like?

[caption: This is pretty much exactly what it looked like.]
It looks like this.  It was basically a bloody period with a lot of dark clots.  I put on some gloves and pulled/pressed through the clots to find these baby bits I’m supposed to be seeing and honestly?  You couldn’t really tell one clot from the other.  I found it very fascinating and more than anything, the nature of the clots made me wonder if I have naturally miscarried a few times before and never even knew I was pregnant.  I remember having periods that had clots like these a couple of times in my life.  Now, it is common for women to flush out fertilized eggs and we do, in fact, miscarry without every knowing we were pregnant in the first place.  So, basically, anti-choicers probably think we’re serial killers is what I’m saying. This woman miscarried at 7 weeks and she shared pictures of what hers looked like, it’s equally fascinating and impressive.  I say impressive because it’s definitely bloody, but the dramatics of baby bits?  It’s just not there.

Speaking of which, all those late term abortion pics they post?  They may not even be North American abortions and they may not be taken with the patient’s consent.  In fact, that link has a pic of a “7 week” aborted fetus (hee!).  But let’s get into why those pics are disturbing for reasons beyond emotional pleas.  Let’s say those pics were taken in China, in all their one child policy glory.  China is an anti-choice country and against everything that choice stands for.  My heart breaks for women who want to give birth but are forced into an abortion.  That isn’t a choice.  So, anti-choicers who swing one way exploit mothers from a country that is anti-choice the other way.  Even if they try to justify late term abortion pics as being from North America, we all know damn well that those abortions are done for health reasons. Also, that “Partial Birth Abortion” you thought was barbaric?  It was easier on the fetus and the mother.  It also allowed the mother a chance to hold the baby SHE WANTED afterwards and have a moment.  The procedure they have to use now?  Not so much.  So now you have anti-choicers exploiting grieving women who wanted their pregnancies.  They have the nerve to call US barbaric.  But they’ll exploit anyone just to help themselves sleep better at night, because if you look around the world and the state of child poverty, anti-choicers give less of a shit about born children than a honey badger about anything.  They just don’t care.  They say they will to exploit what they want out of you, damn the consequences.  But let’s take a look at what illegal abortion does to women.

[caption: The cost of desperation. We won’t go back.]

This makes my heart break in so many ways.  This is Geraldine Santoro.  She died June 8, 1964.  Her story is here if you feel like you need a good cry today.  Who do you have more sympathy for?  If you’re anti-choice and reading this, you probably feel worse for the blood clots than you do for Gerri.  This pic was posted on Facebook, and here are some amazingly pro-life quotes from anti-choicers in regards to the link with the stories of women who have died trying to get abortions:

Chuz Life: Anti-Abortion Activist Can you tell me how much sorrow we are supposed to feel for a person who accidently kills themself while in the act of killing their child?”  (Chuz Life’s real name is Loren Brown)

Don Cameron They chose to perform an abortion. It’s no one’s fault but theirs. Like suicide bombers.”

Loren Ortiz Over (Like way over!) 1,000,000 Human females are aborted a year!

So really, who hates women?” (this guy gets the missing the point award of the century, but hey, at least he was not outright like the others AMIRITE LADIES??”

Visit any pro-life page anywhere, read it for more than 10 minutes, and you’ll realize that once all the veneer of “caring” and “sympathy” is gone, this is what you get.  These people do not care about the women that have died out of desperation because they didn’t pop out another kid they don’t even give a shit about.  These people do not care about me, and will probably scold me for not ruining my family’s life just to make them feel better.  These people do not care about you.  They will not be there for you in a genuine way.  They hate agency and they hate that something like this is out of their control.  They will shame you, they will call you names, they will attempt to browbeat you into feeling bad.  The problem?  That shit works.  If it didn’t, we would stop this whole ridiculousness about what a hard choice this is and feeling weird about women who aren’t appropriately solemn about it.  We would stop the whole “legal, safe, and rare” mantra and keep it at “legal and safe”.  I mean, what’s it to us how many abortions are performed? We would stop trying to have a dialogue with these people and realize that our choices are NOT up for debate and there IS no middle ground to be had.  We would also stop being “buttery” with our stance.  Nothing grinds my gears more than “I’m pro-choice BUT it shouldn’t be used as birth control” (slut shaming for the win) or “I’m pro-choice BUT women shouldn’t have multiple abortions” (this is my second one, fuck you) or my personal favourite, “I’m pro-choice BUT I would never have an abortion”.  It makes it look like we’re pandering to people who do not give a shit about us.  It’s othering to those of us who ARE having abortions.  More than anything, and we may not even realize it, it makes us come across like we’re better than THOSE women, the ones who get abortions.  I mean, with allies like these, who needs anti-choicers?  We’re so busy committing microaggression after microaggression against our own damn movement.  They salivate over this shit.  No more compromise, no more debate, no more buts.  We need to be pro-choice all the way.  Just imagine if we didn’t have to fight about our right to choose abortion anymore. I can’t wait for the day when we can move on from dealing with slut shaming, nosy, self-important people with control issues and onto more important things.

Whew.  Tanget over.  As you can probably tell, this experience has made me more passionate and more pro-choice than ever.  I can’t say I feel relieved just yet, I’m saving that for the blood test and ultrasound next week.  For now, I’m going to go brush my hair and pick up some blueberry muffins.  I think the family has earned a treat.  Tune in next week for what I hope is the thrilling conclusion of my foray into medical abortion.  Wish me an empty uterus and lower hormones!

[Prolonged Eye Contact: Thank you Marie Anelle for being so candid with your own abortion experience. It’s refreshing to hear from someone, like me, who would not struggle with the decision to abort. Everyone has a different emotional response, but too often those with no regrets are demonized. Also a TMI note: that picture of the early abortion on the napkin looks exactly like the blood clots I get when I’m having my period, except a little bigger. And I’m not sexually active so there is zero chance of them ever being natural miscarriages. So antis, there’s really nothing earth shattering to see here. Sorry to disappoint you.]

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ETA 2/27/12 Update: "In Which I Wait Two Menstrual Cycles"

So, I had an abortion!  After my last post I was off to find out if it was fully evacuated. Unfortunately it wasn’t.  I had to go through another round of misoprostol which resulted in some further cramping which was more intense than the first round of cramping (but still not at keel over and die levels of awfulness) and another check up for full evacuation.  Much to what I’m sure will be commenter Jen’s chagrin (check out my first post on the topic, she is hilarious), there were still no fetal parts visible.  Now, at the time I was stressed, anxious and paranoid….but not for the reasons the trolls would have you believe. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you so didn’t want to be pregnant that you’d stab your own uterus?  Now, imagine that the pregnancy is ended, but not out of you.  I’m not going to lie but that was a hugely stressful moment.  I agreed to one more round of pills, but if that didn’t work I would have sucked it up and got a D&C.  Being told at the next ultrasound that my uterus was empty surprisingly did little to really help, so I waited to share the good news with all of you.  My second period since the abortion is starting and now I am confident enough to feel relieved.  I am so fucking happy not to be pregnant right now that I can barely think straight beyond “HEEEEEEEEE!!! NOT PREGNANT!!”

So many good things are happening now.  Hubby is finally getting a vasectomy, acknowledging that it’s easier for him to do so than for me to get my tubes tied or spend the rest of my fertile life on birth control.  I got a raise and responsibilities at work in the field I wish to go into.  My boss was unconditionally supportive of me the whole time and trusted me to make the right decisions for me.  I’m repairing the relationship with my parents, especially my mother, who now understand that the concept of life is not that black and white.  They now acknowledge that they would rather see their daughter thrive and be happy.  I appreciate my children so much more and I am so glad that I got to choose to have them.  They are such good little people and I have given them a gift that a lot of people don’t understand.  The gift of a full childhood with two parents that can provide for them and then some.  I’ve been able to fully appreciate everything that I have and I have been savouring it (which is why I haven’t been posting for a bit, but I will be back).

I’m also militant in my pro-choice beliefs like I never was before and have had a much needed resolve.  Anti-choicers play dirty.  They are thoughtless, rude, arrogant, and disruptive people with a soapbox that rivals a Catholic grandmother.  For too long I have been told by people on my side to “reason” with these people and “be nice”.  I think that’s how we are losing.  First off, I think it’s time we stop “being nice”.  We’re told our whole lives to be nice otherwise we’ll look like bitches.  Beyond that, why should we be nice to these people? Why should we smile, be polite, and try to reason with unreasonable people?  Why be nice to people who are trying to take your rights away?  Why be nice when politicians are trying to medically rape with with vaginal ultrasounds?  How can we even fathom being polite to people who want us to forcibly give birth to children they will never actually give a shit about?  Because we all know it’s not about life.  It’s making sure that all of us are keeping in our roles and doing what we’re supposed to do.  Have you never thought it funny that an anti-choicer can call pregnancy a gift and a blessing in one breath while calling them a consequence in the next?  That tells me everything I need to know about how they really feel about life.  I can no longer give courtesy to these people, I just can’t.  I’m done.  Gloves are so fucking off.

I know I’ll get some flack for saying that because people still think that we can fight back with a smile, but after what transpired and the level of hate I have seen for it I am not behind that.  These people want to stop people from achieving things in their life.  They don’t want us to be happy.  They are perfectly happy ruining people’s lives and claiming it’s for a fetus.  They guilt and they shame.  I don’t plan on taking it anymore.

Anyway, I am so done rambling, but there is my update.  My uterus is empty and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Everyone who wishes differently or wants to bring me down over the whole thing can, quite frankly, fuck off and suck it.

Notes

  1. damereadthis reblogged this from stfuprolifers
  2. chococochanel reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact and added:
    omg, how I disagree with these myths and shit.
  3. divinityphotography reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact
  4. boristhesovietlovehammer reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact
  5. adeki reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact and added:
    This whole post is excellent, click through and read it please!
  6. shounen-bats reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact
  7. magdolenelives reblogged this from stfuprolifers and added:
    Fight the BS with truth.
  8. thebreastmilkdiaries reblogged this from stfuprolifers
  9. lonesiekarp reblogged this from prolongedeyecontact
  10. holyjinkisbatman reblogged this from stfuprolifers

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